Today I took out the last of my chicken from the freezer to defrost.  That was my breaking point.  In that single moment, all the fear and worry and desperation came crashing down around me.  After I unsuccessfully tried to order some groceries online, that was when I started to cry.  (Turns out you can only use that app with a credit card, which we do not have here...).

Immediately, I feel guilty for even feeling sorry for myself because I know that so many other people really do have empty shelves and fridges without the funds to fill them.  I know that there are friends who have family fighting for their lives in the hospitals.  I know that while maybe the chicken is now gone, I still have frozen meals ready to go and enough rice to last a year.  Yet, I am still standing in my shower sobbing.   Maybe up to this point, I had still felt like I had some control.  I had listened to the precautions and I was staying home.  I was going outside in our yard daily and catching up on some movies at night.  I was reading more books with Benji and cooking well-balanced meals.  I was checking in on friends and sharing funny videos to bring a smile.  Noticing the pattern yet?  A whole lot of "I..." going on.  And "I" was tapped out.  

I think it's ok to not be ok.  Crying because life is kind of a mess right now is alright.  Feeling sad because we've had to let go of a lot of things in this season is a normal response.  Let's be honest there's just a lot of feelings to feel these days.  

I continue to meditate on Psalm 91 and I was struck by verses 9-10:

"If you say, "The Lord is my refuge," and you make the Most High your dwelling, no harm will overtake you, no disaster will come near your tent."

We can "say" a lot of things.  But there's a second part here:  if you "make" Him your dwelling.  I've been saying that God is my refuge but have I made Him my refuge?  Is His presence where I dwell?  Is that where I dwell with my thoughts, in Him?  It also doesn't say that no harm will touch you...it says it won't overtake you.  Why won't it overtake you?  Because you are dwelling in Him.  If my mind and my eyes are set on Christ and if I am dwelling in His word and His truth, than no fear or worry can overtake me.  No lack of chicken in the freezer will overtake me because I am standing on the truth that God will provide for my needs.  

Hours after my breakdown, Ivan went into town and loaded up his motorcycle with some reinforcements (no meat available, but lots of fresh veggies and fruit).  We wipe down whatever we can with clorox wipes outside, before bringing it in the house and the rest we put into God's hands.  Yes, do the things you're supposed to do (WASH YOUR HANDS, stay home...) but then take those feelings of sadness or anger or helplessness and give it to God.  He has not abandoned us.  He is faithful.  He is our refuge.  He is for us, not against us.  

Let's help one another to keep our eyes fixed on Christ.  Feel the feelings and be honest about them but then turn your thoughts towards gratitude and that which is good.  There is always something to be thankful for.  

Winnie-the-Pooh book and of course "Lamby" near by ;)

B's new thing:  giving a "thumb's up"!

April 2020 YL Newsletter